I’m starting to think I’m cheating at yoga. Like, I’m not sure I’m doing the meditative component right. I’m not even sure why I’m outing myself here, to be honest. To look at me, you’d never know. I have that characteristic blank stare on my face. To the untrained eye, I’m basically Gandhi.
I do my best thinking during yoga, so I’m not sure I’m looking to change my ways. I sort through my thoughts, work out my problems, come up with writing ideas, solve complex geometric equations, etc. It’s become seriously productive.
In the rare moment I’m not thinking of Pythagorean’s Theorem, here’s a few examples of what goes through my mind:
- I think I just got a text. Was that a text? Damn, my phone is too far away to check. I wonder who it is. I should reply. No, I’ll reply after. Whoever it is can wait.
I should fold that laundry after I’m done with this. No, wait, I can’t. I have to call my mom and watch more 3rd Rock from the Sun on Netflix. Maybe tomorrow.
- Christ, it’s cold in here. Well, it’s really just my hands and feet that are cold. I have terrible circulation. I should grab some socks, and maybe my gloves. Is it weird if I wear gloves right now? Yeah, that’s weird. I’ll just suffer instead.
- That neighbour’s dog is at it again. He is the WORST. Let me guess – is he hungry? Bored? Needs to pee? What deep psychological trauma could that dog possibly have where he needs to bark for several minutes like that? Drama queen.
- Ah, now I feel bad. That dog is probably fine, right? Should I go check on him? No, wait, that’s weird. I don’t even know what dog that is. I think he’s just bored. I’ll stop judging him; I don’t know his pain.
- Ok there the yoga lady goes, calling it “crane” again. Wasn’t it called “crow” before? When did it change? I guess I get it, what type of advanced yoga pose wants to be associated with a dish people eat when they’re wrong? I’d change my name too.
- Ok, how am I expected to hold “crane” for 20 seconds? I can barely hold it for 10. I feel like I’m about to snap my arms from the weight. Who would find me if I snapped my arms from this pose? I could be here for hours unattended. Better not risk it; I’ll go back to child’s pose
- This feels like an excessive amount of time in child’s pose, does it not? It feels like 5 minutes. Can I move? That iPad won’t know if I move. How do babies do this for 9 months?! I’m dying to get out of this pose.
- Oh I have a good book idea! Yes, that could be a series. Yes, this is it. Wait, I’d have to do research, like lots of research to make sure it’s historically accurate. Can’t I just make it up? Ugh, I’m going to end up like the Million Little Pieces guy.
- How much longer do I have? 20 minutes? 40? Still?! I really should respond to that text so that person doesn’t think I’ve gone missing.
So there you have it. At least they’re deep thoughts, right? That’s sort of like meditation.