Under the sea

I don’t know how this could have happened, but it appears I’ve missed The Little Mermaid Day. Now, for some, it’s like “oh, commemorating that day would have been a delight, what a shame,” but for me it’s like, “Oh for f%$&’s sake, seriously?! How could this happen?!?!?”

I watched that movie approximately 386472 times in 1991. I can recite the entire film, a fact my in-laws can confirm since I demonstrated my impressive quoting live, just last Christmas. True story.

I’m not one for unfounded conspiracy theories, but none other than a particularly sophisticated conspiracy could allow me to forget my favourite movie’s 26th birthday yesterday. There were ample contributors at play, including but not limited to NPR (failed to mention), The New York Times (oversight), and Bradley Cooper (objectively studly, so despite its 27% rating he coerced me to go see Burnt).

This conspiracy went deep, y’all.

Ordinarily, I’d invite you all to join me as I investigated this further. Rather, I’d like to pay tribute to my girl Ariel, and determine once and for all if life is actually better down where it’s wetter, under the sea.

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seems better down there, bubbles almost never swirl around me like that

I’d always assumed Sebastian was accurate in his assumption, and it was I who tried to convert from human to mermaid as a child. I always thought Ariel had it made under there. She had her burgeoning career as a singer, a sidekick who never stole her spotlight, and a sick body. She had everything, why give it up to be married at 16? Surely that can’t last more than 2 years; did we learn nothing from Macaulay Culkin?

I’d never attempted to see things from Ariel’s point of view, though. That all changed when I recently went scuba diving on my honeymoon in Bali.

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he looked like this but about 3.5 feet bigger

Scuba diving was, for me, the most unnatural thing ever. You’re expected to be horizontal when your body is begging for vertical, neglect your arms when they’re prime to paddle, and minimize the kicking when your legs are like “tap me into the game, coach.” It’s incredibly awkward, it’s too true that “flipping your fins, you don’t get too far.”

I was surprised to find, too, that sea life was downright complacent about a human’s presence. They look at you like, “sweet neoprene, you gill-less mouth breather.” And humans are fascinating, I don’t get the small mindedness? Ariel had a point there, too.

I do feel like she took her surroundings for granted, though, because it was stunning down there. I saw a crazy amount of psychedelic fish. I also saw a four-foot-tall turtle, a beautiful Giant Clam and a gorgeous Blue Starfish. Ariel was a bit too eager to give all that up, if you ask me.

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moray eel, not so cuddly

Of course, it can also be intimidating. I saw a moray eel down there. That thing seriously knew how to command a space; you couldn’t pay me to snuggle under that rock with him.

In total, I went on four dives under the sea, and I’m sure my career under there is far from over.

In my short time, though, I’ve concluded that Ariel was probably onto something. I definitely prefer being part of this world.

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