Plastic utensils

There’s a drum I’ve been beating for years. Unfortunately, I’ve made the mistake of beating it in private. I know – I should have been pummelling out in the open. I could have helped others in doing so, since I’m sure I’m not alone here.

Not to mention, I’m certain my discretion had the unintended effect of being detrimental to others, but this isn’t just about how many multi-syllabic words I can fit in one sentence (13 – suck it, haters)!

Nay, this is about an issue of more gravity. It’s about something so prevalent that we’ve come to accept it as decent. Ubiquity does not equate to decency, friends, and once we start to measure our reactions by the sheer availability of a product, then we’ve lost sight of what’s right. As a wise man once said – “what is right is not always popular, what is popular is not always right.”

I’m speaking, of course, about plastic cutlery. I’m also talking about wooden, bamboo and even cornstarch cutlery – basically anything that cannot claim to be ‘silverware’ while maintaining a straight face.

These sorts of tools are downright dehumanizing. What separates us from the apes if not for the ability to distinguish from a piece of wood as a utensil and an actual four-pronged fork? Nothing, I tell you. Absolutely nothing.

Want to be like this guy? Use plastic cutlery exclusively

Using hefty, properly concave spoons are the hallmark of homo-sapiens. These will be our legacy, yet we’ve muddied our accomplishments – including (but not limited to) serrated bread knives, tomato knives, and paring knives – by allowing these flimsy, insubstantial products to masquerade as utensils.

I care about the environment and reject unnecessary waste, but this isn’t about sparing our landfills and further contributing to a disposable society. This is, purely and simply, about not allowing ourselves to be treated with the cold disregard of a plastic f%$£ing fork attempting to spear a piece of meat and quaking under the pressure. It’s about valuing our legacy as humans, and not allowing this ‘cutlery’ to cheapen an illustrious history of complex thinkers and doers.

So, today, I’m beating my drum out in the open. I am a human, damnit, and I deserve to cut into a damn omelette with an object that can protect the integrity of my cuisine. If I’m forced to use a utensil with a weak constitution, then I’d rather be an ape.

Humans use silverware to eat pizza BECAUSE WE CAN. Be like this guy.


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