I know I’m a little tardy for the party here, but I’d like to take this moment to share my New Year’s Resolutions with each one of you in this most public of forums.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking – how can you improve upon perfection? It’s like someone touching up the Mona Lisa; that bitch looks brilliant as is. Put away the paintbrush.

And for those of you haters out there, I also know what you’re thinking – oh, how goddamn original. Go on, hit me with your resolutions on how you want to get healthy and more organized. You’d be the first person ever to say that.

I’ve taken your thoughts into account, friends and foes, and I think I’ve come up with some genuinely original resolutions this year. Here’s what I resolve to do in 2016:

1. Be honest – I have some secrets, y’all. Not telling you all is like lying by omission. This year I won’t just do crane for 90 seconds, I will tell every single one of you the second it happens. Do your saddlebags look fetching in that dress? I’m telling you. Told me a deep dark secret about some weird fetish you developed late in life? Sorry, Dacryphiliac, but all bets are off. I’m publishing it right here on this blog, because, damn it, I resolved to be honest and honest I will be.

2. 

   Keep my word – I try and uphold my promises, but I am human (despite what you may have heard) and sometimes I fail to do what I say I’m going to do. This year, I’m making a change. For instance, when I say I’m going to buy another pair of boots, I will go ahead and buy those boots. What, the price actually increased since I was last looking at them? They’re now $500? Well, I said I would keep my word. Consider them bought.

3. Finish what I start – Now this is not something I generally struggle with, since I am nothing if not a tunnel-visioned, goal-oriented, winning-obsessed, game-banned from husband on multiple occasions because I manage to be both a sore winner and loser, type of lady. Sometimes, though, I put down the box of cookies. I then proceed to walk away with several untouched treats in the box. This.ends.now. It’s the whole box or nothing from now on, folks. The same logic will apply to jars of Nutella, almond/peanut butter, and assorted soft cheeses. One sitting or bust. I will win that solo eating contest or die trying.
4. Be more accepting – Long gone are the days when I’m particular about the gifts I accept. I will hereby accept any gifts either directly given to me or that I come upon casually. For instance, did you happen to leave your wallet unattended while the browser on your computer screen magically shifted to that Chloe bag I’ve been making eyes at for weeks? Weird, I just bought it. What an incredibly generous gift; I’m delighted to accept.

   

5. Squash my beefs – And, finally, I will hereby wipe the slate clean with anyone or anything in which I’m currently harboring resentment. Yappy neighborhood dog who relishes in interrupting my yoga sessions? I had beef, but now I’ve squashed it. Creepy meathead at my gym who kept getting in my cardio eye-line because he thought I was smiling at him? I was smiling at some fond memories evoked by my 90s’ workout mix, but I’m sure it was an honest mistake. Consider that beef squashed. Just like that.

So there you have it. Now that I’ve written down my resolutions for all to see, I am compelled to hold myself to them all year. Happy New Year’s y’all, in the name of self improvement.