An open letter

Dear Blog,

Listen, I know I screwed up. You deserve so much better than the way I’ve been behaving. I’ve been all “Sorry, baby, you know I love you. I just need several weeks to myself, and you need you to be cool with me not corresponding at all in that time. You’re cool, right?” To which you respond, “Of course I’m cool, I’m Cool Hand Luke,” to which I smile and say, “Here’s looking at you, kid,” and leave without a trace, leaving nothing but hundreds of bobby pins in my wake. Something to remember me by, naturally.

Screen Shot 2015-12-20 at 11.20.37 p.m.
bobby pins, a token of my love and affection

I know I left and deserted you and didn’t give you a real explanation as to why I was doing so, but you have to believe I never meant to hurt you. I’ve been beating myself up senselessly these past few weeks for my indiscretions. I look like an extra in Fight Club, and not even a well-paid one at that.

I know you doubt my sincerity, but it wasn’t meant to be like this.

It started casually with my “Mister,” if you will. I started making time with my book, which I was trying my damnedest to publish before the end of the year. I thought it would be like, “Wham, bam, thanks, Ham,” which is a little joke between us two. He knows I’m Jewish.

I thought, “I’ll publish this guy and get back to my lovah before the next lunar phase.” Well, imagine my surprise when it’s been nearly a full lunar cycle and I still hadn’t returned. I’m just as befuddled as you.

me, re: my mister

“Ok,” I thought, “So my Mister is proving to be a bit of a challenge. That’s fine, I can be patient. I’ve got more patience than the top plastic surgeon in Dubai.” We agreed to push his release date a full month until January, and I’ll admit to being somewhat relieved with the extra time. I’m new to this.

Now, that’s when things started to go awry, Blog. I am blessed with a certain degree of clairvoyance, and I can tell you for a fact that come January he still won’t be totally ready. And I want to do this right, because if we rush things it will just get sloppy. And I know what you’re thinking, perv, but that’s just not how I want to conduct this affair. If we wait and publish in February, this gut-wrenching absence from you will not have  been in vain.

You want that for me, don’t you baby? For us? You’re still my numero uno, Señor. I’m going to make it up to you. I’ll spend more time corresponding with you over these next few weeks, but I need you to be understanding when I need to drop off and focus on my Mister. It won’t always be like this. I’ll return to you as soon as we’re done, and you’ll get me full time….at least until I have another Mister.

All my love,


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