I’ve tried everything. I’ve taken all the necessary precautions. I unsubscribed all of the emails. Some of them refuse to take, but I’ve hit that button at least 67 times this week alone. I’ve switched to the international editions of my favorite American news sites. I haven’t even been watching network TV, but that’s mostly because Irish TV is fecking terrible.

Still, I’ve made some lifestyle changes, all in the vain attempt to keep that pseudo, shameless, self-promotey “holiday” out of my grill.

And, yet, here she is. She’s in my grill, you guys.

Yep, I’m talking about Black Friday, the day that officially ushers in debt season. I loathe her. She’s the frenemy who raises her prices 20% on the third Wednesday in November only to drop them 15% on the third Friday, advertising it as a steep “discount.” We fall for it every time.

She makes us drive around for 90 minutes looking for a parking spot in the crowded lots at the mall, and she encourages us to get aggressive towards other deal-seeking drivers because they have the audacity to fall for her charms too.

Like most frenemies, she totally fat shames us. She casts that judgemental glance that says “maybe you’d be more comfortable in a size up” when she’s lured you into trying on a pair of pants just one day after Thanksgiving. She’s just cruel.

Sometimes, she even claims a few lives, just to prove she’s the boss. We never doubted her.

Black Friday is America’s frenemy, there’s no mistaking it. We had some good times, so we keep her around. Several years ago, Black Friday was the business. She brought us some incredible deals back then. I have fond memories of those shopping sprees when I’d drop 4 Benjies like it was hot. And it was. It was hot, y’all.

Now, she’s gone cold. Her discounts are a ruse. She claims a few more lives every year. Unsurprisingly, she’s expanding her territory. Apparently America wasn’t enough of a challenge to dominate, so she’s gone global. Black Friday is a thing in the UK and Ireland also, from my personal experience. I’m willing to bet she’s in more of Europe and potentially Asia, too. She can’t be stopped.

This expansion feels personal, y’all. I feel like she’s following me, and she’s managed to destroy something I love. Shopping, and particularly discount shopping, are my jam. And she’s managed to ruin both of those for me. For one day a year, that third Friday in November, I have to abstain from doing the one thing I love and in which I truly excel. I’m so distraught. She must be stopped.