Ok, I need some help y’all. I’m not sure if I’m reading this situation accurately. It actually happened like 4 hours ago, and I’m still dumbfounded. I need some outside help, so I’m turning to you in hopes that you’ll both a.) confirm that I’m reading the situation appropriately and b.) reacting correctly, given the situation. I know it’s a tall order, but I just feel like we’re there, you know?

Is my spiralizer making an obscene gesture at me? I mean, is that normal?

I made my zucchini noodles for lunch, and in my hangry state I barely glanced at the remnants of the vegetable clinging so provocatively to my machine. I ate my bowl of zoodles in blissful ignorance, oblivious to my machine that, for unexplicable reasons, has a Michael Fassbender complex.

Now, I don’t want to be judgemental. Zucchini is, after all, a squash, and everyone knows they’re the black sheep of the vegetable family. As the self proclaimed golden child in my family, I can’t even begin to imagine how that feels. I’m sure it’s natural to overcompensate. Act out for attention. Whip it out in the presence of superior beings, all in the vain attempt to gain some sliver of respect.

On the other hand I’m like, let’s call a spade a spade. You’re like 90% water, zucchini. You’re not fooling anyone with this apparent act of aggression. And, frankly, you’re not passing as Fassbender for a second. I don’t care how “ripped” your core is.

Help a sista out. Am I seeing what I think I’m seeing? Should I be offended?