Tranny

I just came up with the most brilliant business idea, you guys. Ordinarily I wouldn’t be so quick to unleash my ideas on the public without at least attempting a patent, but this time is different. I need far more advanced humans to invent this than I, since I’m nothing if not painfully aware of my shortcomings. This could seriously help mankind, y’all. We may all be at odds about whether or not Starbucks is a Jesus-hating-Christmas-shunning-devil-worshipping-conglomerate, but we all agree on one thing: commuting blows.

Ok, so my idea is an app for unique commutes. Whether you drive or take mass transit, you deserve an on-demand option for when you can’t stomach your normal commute. It’s not a cure-all for sucky commuting, since I think we’re several monorails and solar powered roller coasters away from fixing that, but it’s at least a short term fix.

The app would have an Uber-like design but would contain a few options so you could select how you want to get around today. I’m thinking the options could be like “jetpack, Jetsons car, wingsuit flying” to start, and maybe eventually we could add teleportation machine. The only hitch there is someone (cough Elon Musk cough) needs to invent it, but

The hyperloop, which we may have in 2020 (!!!)
The hyperloop, which we may have in 2020 (!!!)

once that happens we could easily add a fourth option.

Off the top of my head, I think it should be called “Tranny,” since I don’t think that word is being used as is and it makes transit sound adorable.

In my opinion, some version of this actually needs to happen. People are multiplying like there’s no readily available birth control, y’all, and no one has nailed transit yet. Each city has its own version of how to shuttle their hundreds of thousands or millions of people to and fro each day, but I don’t think anyone has it figured out.

Wingsuit flying, y'all
Wingsuit flying, y’all

Driving as a primary mode of transit makes no sense to me. It’s so impractical, and cars are stupid expensive with all their upkeep. The most people you could ever transport at once is like 8, and that’s only if you drive a rape van. Traffic is the worst, and don’t even get me started on what happens when people compete for a parking spot. I actually think it brings out the worst in people.

Mass transit as it stands is broken too, though it’s definitely the lesser of the two evils. Buses get stuck in traffic like cars, so you’re not exactly winning with convenience there. Underground trains are grim. The Tube in London is absurd. It won’t cut down your commute time in the slightest, and people are miserable down there. They actually have shields in front of the trains to stop people from jumping in front of them. The undergrounds in Paris, Berlin, and NYC are all fairly convenient, but they come at a price unique to each city. In NYC that price is summed up beautifully by Pizza Rat. Stinky, dirty, rat-ridden and far too many Mariachi bands drowning out the Jean Valjean on your phone.

So yeah, I think “Tranny” has some serious potential. Leave a comment if you’d like to be part of the commuting revolution.

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