Domestic Goddess

I’ve recently come into possession of some information that could seriously transform your living space. It’s been a long road to totally nailing the domestic game, but I have emerged victorious. I am a self proclaimed expert in the art of zen living. I’m like a walking Pinterest board. A domestic goddess, if you will.

I wasn’t always so enlightened. There was a time when I had to call my parents to walk me through how to make a grilled cheese. I only recently became the proud owner of a functioning vacuum cleaner.

It hasn’t been easy, but recently I have mastered the long-lost art of domesticity. And since I’m feeling generous today, I’ve decided to share some of my top home hacks so you too can become a domestic goddess (or god) in your own right:

I'm crushing it
I’m crushing it
  1. You do not need a sophisticated filing system for important documents. Instead, carefully select a drawer and use it as the holding cell for envelopes you don’t want to open but know you can’t exactly throw away. Bills, bank statements, apartment lease, employment contract, credit card statements, restraining orders, etc, belong in this holding cell. Go on, just shove them in there. Feel free to share the burden with your nightstand and potentially a hall closet. Continue to shove copious amounts of papers into said spaces until they get dusty and/or when you need one of them. Then, and only then, tear up a bunch of the long expired papers and toss them in the round receptacle. Relish in this moment, you’ve earned it. Resume shoving.
  2. No hangers? No problem! You only need the hangers you bought or transported when you first moved into your home. I’ve found that if you invest in a slightly fancier type of hanger covered in velvet, they can withstand lots more weight. Feel free to get creative in the process. A standard hanger is perfectly capable of supporting the weight of a skirt and/or trousers (or both!), one shirt, a jacket and potentially a dress. Don’t stop loading clothes atop your hangers until they snap from the excess weight. Maybe go buy a set of 5 new when you’ve broken 5, but no sooner. This is important.
  3. Repeat after me – “pots and pans were designed to form a precarious pile.” Say it 5 times fast. The concept
    proof that piling is genius
    proof that piling is genius

    here is simple. If you’re anything like me, you own about 15-20 different sized pots and pans. You are in no way obligated to stack these responsibly. Just pile them on top of one another until you form an unsteady, artful tower. Ditto for Tupperware and clean dishes. When the pile finally gives way, blame the drawer or countertop they inhabit. This is not your fault. Never accept blame.

  4. Never organize your spices. This is a fool’s game and a notorious waste of time. You may not know this, but you need to replace dried spices every 6 months or so. It’s impossible to keep a catalog of freshness of your 150+ spices, and I would know – I haven’t even tried. Rather than toss a whole jar of kaffir lime leaves, buy a new jar every time the recipe calls for it. You will end up with 3 jars of the same spice at any given time, which can lead to a fun game of “guess the freshness.” Don’t say we never have fun.
  5. Keep buying kitchen gadgets. You can never have too many! Spiralizers, panini presses, Cuisinarts, slow cooker, rice cooker, dumpling steamer, pizza stone, popcorn maker, meat tenderizer from the 1800s, etc. If there’s a novelty item to buy and you have a small kitchen with no storage space, you must acquire. Don’t underestimate the zen feeling that will follow your having to find space for each new purchase.
  6. Receipts – treat them like bills! You never know when you’ll need to return something, like the robot vacuum cleaner you bought or the second one you got to replace the faulty first one. Crumple them up and just pile into your holding cell for important documents. For advanced shovers, go on and shove them into unmarked folders. This has no visible rhyme or reason, but it gives the illusion of tidiness. This is what we’re going for – the illusion.
  7. And, finally, the garage is a total freebie. Just go wild here. It’s a space where you can shove, stash, put everything that belongs in “miscellaneous” somewhere in this cavernous purgatory. Never get rid of anything.

I hope my hacks have helped, goddesses-in-training. You’ll get there eventually. Now, you’ll have to excuse me. I just received something from immigration I should probably stash in the holding cell….

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