I’ve dodged a bullet yet again, readers. Just imagine this sexy, catsuit clad superhero who karate chops and roundhouse kicks her way out of the villain’s line of fire. That’s me, you guys. I survived such a close call.
I’m referring, of course, to the salmonella outbreak of 2009. Back then, I’d stopped eating meat just to switch things up about a year prior. I thought I was safe amongst my veggies and excessive amounts of carbs. I really did. This salmonella was a seriously sneaky beast. She didn’t hide in chicken, eggs, or even cookie dough. Nay, she was all intimate with peanut products, and though I’m taking the risk of making an ass-out-of-you-and-me (assuming, for those of you who can’t crack my code), this salmonella harlot was most often seen canoodling with peanut butter.
I mean, what.a.slut, amirite? Are animal products not enough for you, tramp? Must you crawl into bed with vegetarian friendly options like peanut butter? Salmonella has no shame, though. The bitch had to go and destroy something beautiful.
Now you may wonder why I’m bringing this up now, and I’ll tell you. I’m tracking your viewing habits as we speak (kidding..or am I?), and I happen to know many of you deleted the breaking news alert yesterday. When that didn’t work, you skipped over the article while reading your morning news. You even managed to ignore the one girl at work who makes meaningless chatter over the headlines when she tried her hand at using it to spark conversation. Well done, you. As that former girl, I applaud your resolve. She’s persuasive.
And, yet, at least from the peripheral, you heard about the former peanut company CEO who was sentenced to 28 years in prison for a salmonella outbreak. You thought, “Whatevs, I mean it wasn’t cool what he did but it’s not as sexy as the ‘EU borders’ drama. Where can I read more about dat?” And your internal monologue is a lot more street than you, so it can pull off “dat.”
Anyways, we need to talk about this, since I’m sure I’m not alone in what I’m about to admit. It’s a little known fact that I consumed an inordinate amount of peanut butter in 2009. I’m estimating I averaged out approximately 2-4x the recommended serving amount every single day back then. If someone had tested my body makeup in those days I’d have to have been 40% Skippy. In fact, if anyone asks me why I’m no longer a vegetarian I say “peanut butter,” since I knew I was abusing it and figured it was a short, sloppy, road to ending up on the streets, having lost everything due to relentless stalking of every Girl Scout within 100 miles who had at once offered me Peanut Butter Patties.
I’m hardly exaggerating, sadly.
And, yet, for some reason I’ve been spared. Seven hundred plus people got really sick back then, and more than a hundred were hospitalized due to this shady CEO and his associates. And I walked, free to continue consuming as much of this salty minx as I could ingest in one sitting without, like, causing my stomach to implode or whatever.
My life was spared, you guys. I should celebrate with a hit of the good stuff, for old time’s sake….