Hey good lookin! I’ve been thinking about you. Not like a creepy amount. Not like, “I’m just sitting here thinking about your quads, and what powerful quads you have” kind of thinking. It’s more of a “I’ve been a bad internet friend and I’ve been awful about keeping in touch because I’m doing too much running around and struggling to find space to play. You and your powerful quads deserve better,” kind of way.

Anyways, I’m not sure what it is about today, but I feel compelled to be better for you. Maybe it’s my vain attempt to make up for the fact that I just ordered two back to back Deliveroos because at first I was like “be healthy” and then immediately vacillated to “eat all of the baked goods.” And I guess, in my twisted mind, I thought some random spurt of creativity would make up for that posh bitch behavior, because, really. Who needs two back to back Deliveroos? What am I, a Vanderbilt?!?!

Part of me just wants to lean into those two Deliveroos and just own that shit, you know? I work hard. I have a little baby who needed cuddles last night at 1 am because the wind was howling like a banshee and she scared him awake. So cuddles I delivered, because I live to serve that ginger. I’m also back working for the man some 40-odd hours a week, so I’m contributing to society or whatever. I even lift. Like 6 kg kettlebells at most, but still. It counts.

And, sure. Some days I need to treat myself. I crave, say, a slice of coconut and rosewater bakewell tart so badly that I’m willing to shell out €10 for delivery in 15-20 minutes. WHAT? It’s the cost of a banana, right? Oh, you’d choose the banana because it’ll give you more slow burning energy? You’re sooo pious.

I’m not always so wateful, y’all. I still have signs of my thrifty, 22-year-old self, and I regularly stretch one avocado out across four days. She’s still in there somewhere, the girl who touted the humble eggplant as “poor man’s food” for its ability to stretch across 3-4 meals without so much as producing an unappetizing slime on the skinless exposed part.

Anyways, I guess I just want to confess how much I enjoyed making it a two Deliveroo day. I hope that, wherever you are, you’re choosing to treat yoself too.