I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I just got beaned in the nose with an acorn! I’m unusually distraught. This sort of nasal targeting has dredged up a lot of insecurities that I believed I’d buried, y’all. Well, they’ve broken through the surface. They have risen.

Picture it – I was heading back from the gym (hold your applause) after a morning workout in which I performed an advanced TRX workout (honestly, you’re too kind), and I was distracted by an educational podcast I gallantly chose over my 1 millionth streaming of the Hamilton soundtrack (please, there’s no need for a standing ovation).

Anyways, I walked beneath a tree I’ve passed beneath for the past four mornings that I’ve managed a morning gym (oh, alright, I’ll allow the applause. I can’t continue to deny you your gratification – I’m not a monster). I’ve never once been beaned by any object – intentional or not – in that approximate two seconds it takes me to cross beneath those branches and emerge out into a leafless, un-shielded existence.

Having completed such a leisurely, conflict-free two-second stride for four consecutive mornings, I got comfortable. Nay, I got cocky. I thought, “there’s no need to keep your eyes peeled for near and present danger. Point that nose high, gaze upon the horizon, for your face has never been more protected than it is in this moment, beneath nature’s parasol.”

Then, it happened. One solo acorn thrust itself from the tree onto the left side of my nose, and for a moment I wondered if I’d been shot by a miniature handgun. The pain was immeasurable, as if some squirrel spat it from its cheek to instigate some sort of feud.

I’d never been so taken aback.

Fortunately, I wasn’t bleeding, and I don’t believe I’ll need any sort of stitches, but the pain from this sort of attack was less visible. The internal damage will take years to heal. I’ve never exactly loved my nose, but I never thought I’d have an object tell me what I’ve suspected all along – it’s prominent. I’d been fooling myself, thinking my mouth or eyes were on equal facial footing.

I actually believed that, should any person, animal or thing choose to target my face, they’d have an equal shot at hitting any one of my facial features. That acorn dispelled that belief in two swift seconds, y’all. I have no choice but to walk with my hands cupped around my large nose, ready to thwart any senseless attacks of which it is the unwitting victim.

It’s the only solution, y’all. I refuse to walk around exposed.