I’ve been doing my best to diversify my news sources as of late, honestly I have. I listen to NPR in the mornings and peruse Newser in the meantime, fully reaching my quota of legit news and tabloid bullshit, respectively, by like 10 am.

Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

Despite my best attempts, I can’t seem to get away from this Emoji story that’s consuming the web. Apparently people are just, like, wetting themselves with excitement that there’s a middle finger emoji on its way by the end of the year. It’s consuming the news cycle, y’all.

Not to piddle on this middle finger emoji parade (let’s keep it going with the pee analogy, shall we?), but has anyone taken one moment to think about red angry faced emoji’s fate? I haven’t seen one article that’s even given that guy a polite mention, and he’s personally helped me through some trying times.

Exhibit A:

Now, let me ask you, how else could I convey such seething anger without the assistance of this little soldier? He’s always there when I need him, hanging out in my “Frequently used” section just waiting to be tapped into battle. I, for one, will mourn his eventual banishment to the “People” section.

If the Emoji creators are reading this, and there’s a strong likelihood they are (I crush it in Japan), then I strongly suggest they consider adding the following characters, if only to soften the blow of middle finger’s release. It’s the least they can do, for red faced Emoji’s sake:

1. A guy running in the appropriate direction. Just why, exactly, is this jackass running backwards? And why is he in jeans? Don’t get me started on that haircut – is that a widow’s peak along the side of his head? Wait, is that a child? Where’s the adult who’s running for exercise? Oh right, he doesn’t exist. YET.

   

2. Bashful faced Emoji. There’s 3 blushing faces in circulation, but two are smiling (aka smug) 😊 and the other is downright horrified 😳. Sometimes I want to be like “aw shucks, you shouldn’t have” via Emoji and I always end up looking smug. Not the ‘tude I was going for.
3. Two characters high-fiving. This just feels like downright discrimination. This would be numero uno in my “Frequently Used,” since there’s currently no character that says “woohoo!” appropriately. I think fist bumps may officially be passé, Emoji creators. We all appreciate how “with it” you were to create them initially, but they were a trend. The high five is here to stay.
4. Multiple balloons. When wishing someone a happy birthday, HOW sad does it look when you put just one solitary red balloon? 🎈 It’s the saddest. And you end up looking like an asshole who’s insinuating your friend will be celebrating his birthday all by his lonesome. Maybe some celebratory balloons, Emoji creators. Those would help many people out of some tight spaces.
5. Wine glasses cheers-ing. Why doesn’t this exist? I see two pints of beer cheers-ing 🍻, but the wine glasses (plural) are curiously amiss. This feels sexist. Are they purposely depriving us of the appropriate caption for “girls’ nights!!!” photos? Doesn’t mean they’ll disappear from Instagram, fools. You’ve only fueled our 🔥

Hopefully they’ll take my requests on board. They could help so many well meaning texters by implementing my feedback.