I’ve been thinking a lot about how we torture ourselves with past experiences. Like, sometimes you just feel optimistic. Maybe you pat yourself on the back for feeling productive, successful, or satisfied. Then, before you can really relish in that moment, you choose to destroy it with a lightning flash memory of some time you weren’t any of those things. You proceed to let the shoddy feeling wash over you and negate the good feeling of the moment because there’s something you did 15 years ago that proves you are, in fact, the asshole you’ve always worried you might be.

Am I the only one? I always hesitate to speak for others because adults are such harsh critics, and even when you feel ideologically aligned with someone you can mistakenly get on the other side of that ideology. Like, one time I told a friend how we tried all the local cuisine in Iceland — petrified shark (it was vile), puffin, and even whale. I mentioned how I felt bad eating the whale because I actually love whales, but it was delicious. The mood shifted in the room. I honestly think he changed his opinion of me on the spot, and we’ve never been the same. He started lecturing me on how intelligent whales are and had a “how could you?”-type attitude, even though I tried to explain that Anthony Bourdain really inspired me to always try the local food. Bourdain likened going into someone’s country and not eating the local cuisine to walking into someone’s house and refusing to eat what they’d lovingly prepared for you. Then again, I once saw Bourdain eat a raw urchin off the side of a boat and declare it the best thing he’d ever eaten (when it was very likely 75% seawater) so maybe I should take what he said with a grain of salt (ha!). I miss that man.

Anyway, isn’t it weird that nine times out of ten we look at the past and feel crappy about social interactions? This happens even when we’re socially well adjusted, because I can safely say that social anxiety isn’t one of my handicaps. We still look back on our lives and feel shame based on some assumption that our actions cause us to be rejected/not liked which then translates to loser/not worthy/out group? I think a lot of RuPaul’s (in my opinion) best advice — “What other people say about me is none of my business.” That’s a good attitude to strive towards, but caring is innate. Most people aren’t homicidal maniacs/psychopaths (despite what the comments section would lead you to believe) so we’re hardwired to care what others think of us. I’m no anthropology professor, but I know that this goes back to evolution. Those animals that were rejected by the herd then couldn’t count on the herd’s protection, and so they were vulnerable to predators. Humans have progressed leaps and bounds since then (despite what the comments section would lead you to believe) and yet we retain that desire to be beloved by others. Being rejected feels like death.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to move beyond that false equivalency and think of past rejections like military stripes. Each one is character building. Unless you’re a homicidal maniac/psychopath you probably learned from the experience. The lesson was (hopefully) something like think before you speak, read the room, try and have empathy, don’t take yourself too seriously, or maybe even surround yourself with better people.

Beyond that, who cares? It’s in the rear view. Let’s focus on the road ahead.